“Shoot , I forgot I didn’t tell people my husband died.”

I posted a memorial on Facebook when it happened, but not LinkedIn.  It will be obvious now, given it reveals the challenges of what to do with a dead body.

“Successful executives don’t get this personal, show this level of vulnerability. Executives stick with facts, not the feelings and certainly don’t want people to “feel” for them, send prayers or “good thoughts” their way.”

Feelings of nakedness, vulnerability and a bit of anxiety, rush through me as I once again shatter the image I have of a successful “Executive” by  talking about how it feels to be a human being.

Social media, however vile it may be to many, is a convenient way to “announce” uncomfortable things. We passively announce celebrations, achievements and yes- sorrowful events.  Births, birthdays, graduations, moves, marriages, but where are the icky events.  Where is the divorce, the domestic abuse arrest, the mental health challenge, the suicide attempt, the job loss?  Where is all the icky, ugly, life transforming stuff?  This stuff we keep hidden, from others and mostly from ourselves. We carry it around in suitcases full of shame and secrecy.  These bags can become so very heavy.

Recently I found a baby rabbit that fell into my swimming pool. It was frantically swimming in a circle on autopilot. Resilient, at any moment knowing it would reach the finish line. 

I have always been proud of my resiliency.  I have an innate ability to endure very uncomfortable situations, to rise above conflict and confusion and create value from chaos.  These skills create very effective executives. They can also create a drowning rabbit swimming in yet another endless circle.

Resiliency is a noble trait that allows humans to endure and transform through contrast.  It can also become a wall, built around us as “smoke and mirror” that prohibit people from seeing what is really going on. 

How does one go about announcing changes to one’s personal life and status in our new virtual world?

In the past we would be in an office and could notice changes. We notice when someone is no longer wearing a wedding ring or is 7 months pregnant with a baby.  Now- we just don’t know what is going on below the shoulders in other people’s worlds.

One year after my husband’s death I realized how much I cringed in anticipation of the widow’s most common question “How did he die?”  It’s a perfect sucker’s choice; tell the truth and endure the awkward silence, given few know how to talk about the ickiness of mental health and addiction issues, or “he struggled with several health conditions” and move on.

How do we open ourselves up so we can connect with others and talk about the icky life transforming events?  We learn to tell the truth, first to ourselves and then with practice, to others. With grace and compassion we find safe spaces to reveal who we really are- and then we do it over and over again.

There are many that may be standing outside your wall, waiting with open head, heart and hand that have just the thing that could assist you- that could make a difference in your life- could redirect the path in which you are swimming or give you rest from the weariness created from circles we must sometimes swim.

I’ve chosen to reveal the icky parts of myself, the ones that are “below the shoulders” in hopes that you too may become more comfortable saying, “Hey, I’m not ok, but know things will be”. 

So how am I, even though I forgot to mention that my husband died?

Things are going really well, both above and below the shoulders.

….and that’s the truth.

naked.